Sunday, August 23, 2009

It's finally over

I've been dreading today because it is the anniversary of Jacob's death. For the last year, I have grieved losing my sweet nephew. Everyday was the first of that date without him. There are no more firsts. We've survived all of the firsts. I have thought of him each of the last 365 days with varying degrees of grief. I have come to the conclusion that I will always miss him and that grief has no rhyme or reason. I wish I was a man sometimes - I wish I had a box I could go to in my mind to escape my thoughts. I have never known a grief like this. It intensified when we moved out of our house in OKC. I am very sentimental and I attach memories to places. Everywhere I looked in that house reminded me of moments with Jacob. It was so hard to leave a place that reminded me of so many sweet memories.

Today has been better than I expected it to be. God gave me two things: 1. He reminded me that while one year ago, we were preparing to celebrate Jacob's "official" entrance to the family, God was celebrating his entrance into heaven; and 2. God has comforted me in the form of a song, "It is Well With My Soul". He keeps reminding me that in all things, because I have God, it is well with my soul and that makes all the difference.

There would have been no way for my family to survive the last year without God's love, mercy and faithfulness. He has comforted each of us in such a variety of ways and through so many people. I am so blessed to be part of a family that has such a strong faith in God.