Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy New Year!

My prayer is that 2009 will be blessed by God for our country. I pray that God will bless my family with peace and joy. I pray that He will turn our sorrow into joy. I pray that He will bless us with a ministry. I pray that God will bless my friends. I pray that He will bless my enemies.

Happy New Year! May God bless all who read this blog and bring you to a closer walk with Him.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Christmas is Over, New Year's is Coming

Well, another Christmas is over and, as always, I'm relieved. I know, that sounds Scrooge-ish, but it's true. Everyone seemed pleased with their gifts and Grandma Queen even felt good enough to come to everyone's house instead of waiting for us at Mom's.

I am looking forward to what 2009 will hold for us. I am hopeful that it will include a new place of ministry for us. I hope that my children will continue to grow in their understanding and relationship with Jesus. I hope that my husband will continue to enjoy better health. I hope that I will be able to stick to a diet and drop these pounds that I have been working on since forever :D.

Well, regardless of what 2009 will hold for us, I am secure in the knowledge that God has gone before us and has a good plan for our lives. Happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Merry Christmas Everyone

This Christmas is bitter-sweet for my family. Christmas is always a sweet time of remembering the beginning of our salvation. This year, with the loss of Jacob and Brian's lack of employment, it is sad for us. I keep having to go to God and ask Him to help me grieve without sinning and for help to trust Him for our future without doubting. All of this has added stress to the season.

In the midst of our sadness and uncertainty, we have the promise of a future and a God who loves us. Merry Christmas to you and yours! And remember, the depth of God's love for you is even greater than the sacrifice of His Son for your sake.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Have You Heard About Facebook?

I'm addicted. I have had facebook for about a week and spend all of my time looking up old friends and spying. It is a great way to stay connected with current friends and to reconnect with old friends. I haven't talked to some of these people since 1992! It is so exciting to find out how their lives are going and what they have done.

In addition to my own addiction, my husband has caught the fever. He's even worse than I am! He's having a lot of fun commenting and finding people. I may have to start restricting his access.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Brrr! Welcome to 60 degree weather changes in less than 6 hours

Don't you just love Oklahoma? Sunday - 74 degrees at 1:00pm, 44 degrees at 4:00pm and 17 degrees by midnight! I like it when it gets cold. I can always add layers to warm up. When it's hot, there is a limit to what you can take off and still be decent. I'm glad it got cold before Christmas. It helps me to get in the holiday mood.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

A Christmas Poem

Christmas is coming! It's almost here.
There are still presents to buy and people to cheer.
Christmas is coming, my house is a wreck,
with decorations and candy, oh well, what the heck!
I'll gain a few pounds, and pretend that I don't,
then I won't allow pictures, I won't, no I won't!

Christmas is coming! It's almost here.
Soon we'll see Santa and his eight tiny reindeer.
Christmas is coming, my family is ready.
There are presents and movies and the tree is still steady,
I think that is all, what else could there be?
Oh wait, of course, it's the baby, you see.

Christmas is coming! It's almost here.
But it actually came in a much different year.
Christmas is coming, the way is prepared,
For Jesus was born because God really cared.
He cared about you, He cared about me.
He cared so much, that He died for us you see.

Christmas is coming! It's almost here.
I almost forgot in all of the material cheer,
Christmas is coming, what gift could I bring?
I haven't the money, to give Him a thing.
I guess I will have to give Him the one thing that's mine,
I will give him myself, it will be just fine.

Christmas is coming! It's almost here.
Time to celebrate and remember all that you hear,
Christmas is coming, remember it well,
It isn't the presents, the candy, the sales,
It's the birthday of Jesus to celebrate,
The coming of the King that demolishes hate!

Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Yeah! Happy Thanksgiving!

We have had a good day at my house. The day started with a phone call from a local church wanting to schedule a second appointment with Brian. God is good. We are so excited. They also want me to come to this interview. So, I might have to do a little shopping for clothes (won't that just be terrible!). The entire day has been pretty calm and quiet. I like those days.

Tomorrow, we will be going to my parents' house and stuffing our faces from lunch til bedtime. (We do nothing unless we do it big!) We will be "making memories" as Kadie would say. We are fortunate to have all of our family living close. We are able to celebrate everything together.

Happy Thanksgiving! "Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, His love endures forever." Psalm 107:1

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Pssst! Christmas is Coming!

Christmas spirit is alive at my house! I love Christmas! A few weeks ago, Brian began reminding us that "Christmas is Coming". We have already started watching Christmas movies. (We have somewhere around thirty to watch this year. ;)

I know, it isn't even Thanksgiving yet. That's OK. We'll eat turkey and spend the day enjoying family just like most people. The only difference is that since it is at my mom's house, I can decorate for Christmas this weekend!

OK, I know, there's something wrong with me. I can't help it. I've always loved Christmas.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Not What We Wanted to Hear

The medical examiner has ruled that Jacob's death was caused by asphyxiation. The police detective determined it was accidental and apparently, she was very kind when she called to share this info with my sister. This is not exactly what we were wanting to hear. We wanted to be told that Jacob had a heart condition that we couldn't have known about. I have to keep telling myself that if God wanted it different, it would have been. I know that I have no medical training, (other than motherhood) but I had been told several years ago in college that children are so resilient, that if there is nothing else wrong, they can be revived. Although Jacob received CPR almost immediately, he never revived. So, for my sanity, I will believe that God took him before the accident in order to spare Jacob.

I wish baths helped me like they do my sister. I hope she is able to get all wrinkly and pruny tonight. I will have to struggle through by losing myself in a book. If you read this, please keep my family in your prayers as Satan will attack us with guilt and try to convince us that we could have changed what God had already ordained.

Baby, It's Cold Outside!

Well, not really, but it's coming! On Thursday to be exact. For exactly one day.

I love colder weather (not arctic). I love snuggling in my bed with my blankets and hubby. I love wearing sweaters and being able to drink hot coffee without breaking into a sweat. If I could, I would live farther north where they get real snow and when it gets cold, it stays that way. It would be such a novelty for this OKC girl.

I've been after Brian to let us take a vacation where we could show the girls (and ourselves) what real snow is like. I think if he had a job, we would be planning it.

I will enjoy Thursday. I will wear my sweater. I will snuggle in my bed. And, I will drink my hot coffee without sweating!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Boycotts - Do They Work?

Several months ago, McD's began to openly support a homosexual political agency. The American Family Association (AFA) encouraged a boycott, so I waved bye-bye to McD's. Within a few months, McD's reversed their decision. The AFA recently sent out an alert regarding Pepsi Co. They donated $500,000 to a homosexual group after being sent two letters by the AFA encouraging them to remain neutral. They didn't. So, now I get to say bye-bye to Pepsi products. For me this includes the restaurants that serve Pepsi products (Taco Bell, KFC, Little Caesar's and Pizza Hut to name a few). I would encourage you to join me in this choice to express your values and to support a boycott of all Pepsi products.

I know that for some (including my sister) it would be a huge sacrifice, but seeing the result of the McD's boycott I can only hope to see the same result with Pepsi Co.

You can go to the AFA website ( to read the article and learn more.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The Imagination of a Child

I have no fear that my daughters use their imaginations. During school yesterday, Kadie was asked - What planet would you like to visit and why. Her response was, "I would like to go to Mars and see if Martians are real." When I asked her about it, she said that there are martians on Duck Dodgers and she wants to know if they are real. Today, very seriously, she told her daddy that she thinks there is a 50/50 chance that Pokemon are real.

Laughing - It's Good For You

My oldest, Kadie, made me laugh today. However, it didn't start out funny. I was telling her to do something and she was ignoring me. So I said, "Am I speaking in German? Is that why you aren't doing what I said?" Kadie's response was, "You don't speak German, Papa does!" I responded, "Papa doesn't speak German!" She said (and I quote), "He knows all of the curse words!" I was shocked for a brief moment before defending my dad by telling her that he may know them, but he certainly doesn't say them. Then I went to my room to laugh and call my mom and tell her what Kadie had said. Fortunately, Papa has a great sense of humor.

Friday, November 7, 2008


I am content today. I have my work under control, my children are happy and I have nothing on my calendar for today. I am content. Have you ever looked up the definition of contentment? Webster says it is "ease of mind or satisfaction". I am one of those people that hate to have things hanging over them waiting to be done. I usually have to have everything finished and out of the way before I can relax. Contentment is not usually something that I can claim. I'm working on it. Paul says in Phillippians 4:12-13, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." So I know God desires this for me.

I was looking for the word "content" in the concordance and came across this verse. In Proverbs 19:23 it says, "The fear of the LORD leads to life: Then one rests content, untouched by trouble." It speaks to me. When I look at that verse, I don't take it to mean that because I believe in Jesus, I will never have troubles. I take it to mean that because I believe in Jesus, the troubles have no power over me. I have troubles. I could list them out and dwell on them. I could work myself into a good, old-fashioned pity party. I could shut God out and blame Him for allowing me to have troubles. For me, contentment is being able to fear (a reverent awe) the Lord and trust that what He says, He will do. Because I fear Him, I can place my troubles into the right perspective and praise God because of them.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Do I Have Faith?

Do I have faith? Yes, I have faith. The last two and one-half years have been enough to prove that to me. When we left the church we had served in for almost nine years, the circumstances proved to me that God really is in control of me and my life. I learned that my choices are important and that listening to advice from others is OK, but listening to direction from God is the best. The financial struggles since then have taught me to trust Him even more. In March we began to seriously pursue a pastoral position for Brian. In April, I was praying and telling God that if He wanted us to move away, live in a little house, have a small income, etc. that I would be okay with it. God's response was to tell me that if that was all I asked for, that was all I would get. In my effort to be willing, I was expecting the least and putting God in a box. I was telling Him that I didn't trust Him to give me good gifts. There is a verse, "Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh the joys of those who trust in Him!" Psalm 34:8. I love this verse. I first experienced it when we found our second house. It was almost twice as big and well within the budget we had set for ourselves. It was far beyond what I had expected or even allowed myself to dream. I took His response in April to mean that I needed to trust Him to exceed my expectations and to give Him the freedom to bless me.

I was given another trial of my faith in August when my nephew died. I was faced with the choice to either absolutely believe everything in God's Word or I could believe nothing. (Including the verses that speak of God knowing every day of a life even before birth.) Through the grace of God, I made the decision to believe Him. I am enjoying a Bible study through my church titled "Becoming a Woman of Faith". There is a woman in our group who suffered the suicide of her barely adult son two years ago. She is still having trouble understanding why God has allowed this to happen when she prayed and prayed that He help her son. I had the opportunity to use what God has shown me in my grief to hopefully help her a little with hers.

I don't know all of the reasons God has for the trials and tests we face, but I know that without them, my faith would never be strengthened. I am not going to say that I am adjusted to life without Jacob. However, I am certain that because God has been growing my faith, I can be comforted by Him. I can trust Him to be in absolute, loving control.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Shopping is Evil

I swear, when I am just out window shopping I can find all sorts of clothes in the colors I want, but when I actually need a certain item of clothing in a certain color, it's nowhere to be found. I need a nice dark green or navy blue shirt to match the Christmas dresses I bought for my girls. It's as if the clothing industry knew what I was going to want and sent out a memo - No dark blue or dark green until after Christmas! Anyway, I know this isn't all that important, but it's nice to vent.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Getting Old

I have started to feel old. I have aches and pains that I don't remember earning. Or maybe it's my memory starting to fail. A few weeks ago, we were at Mazzio's with all of the family for lunch and I was trying to ask my niece to go get me a plate. The problem was that I couldn't remember the word, "plate". So I find myself describing it to her, "it's round, you put food on it". She looked at me like I had completely lost my mind and then she (and the rest of the table) burst out laughing. I catch myself remembering "the good, old days". You know, the ones before bills and children. I see new lines on my face. I keep telling myself that it adds character and interest (yeah, right).

Right after I married Brian, there were those who were surprised by my young age in light of Brian's ministry position. I reassured myself then with the comment that I am just the age that God intended me to be. I have to remind myself of that more often lately. I was talking with my friend tonight and wished her a happy birthday. She told me that she was pretty depressed yesterday because she was starting to feel old. She said that she almost emailed me because she knew I would understand. Good thing we're good friends or I might have been offended ;).

Oh well, I guess there are worse things than getting old.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The One About Biblical Clarification

I have been reading Wade Burleson's blog recently ( and I must confess that I waver between disbelief and anger as I read the information he provides. For those who are unaware, Wade is the pastor of a church in Enid, OK and is very concerned about the way some in authority are interpreting the Bible to fit their own comfort levels, whether or not it is accurate. One of the more recent causes he has been supporting is that of Dr. Sheri Klouda who was fired from teaching at a Southern Baptist seminary simply because she was a woman who taught Hebrew and that "placed her in authority over a man". There are those who are choosing to interpret the Bible to say that women are only to be mothers and grandmothers. It makes me want to scream when people choose to take a few verses out of context and use them to push their agenda. There are scriptures in both the Old and New Testaments that give examples of women in authority over men. Most memorably is the judge, Deborah, (she's my favorite). There is also Priscilla who, along with her husband, instructed a man - who was preaching - in the ways of Christ and His teachings. I am by no means a feminist, but my Bible tells me that we are all the same in Christ. Wade's views on the subject and his ability to point out the Biblical discrepancies of others - along with Biblical truths, has been educational and helps me see the big picture. I thought it might be helpful to others as well. Reading his blog keeps me up-to-date not only with things going on in the SBC, but with Christianity in general. I don't always understand absolutely everything (Mr. I have a Seminary Degree - A.K.A. my hubby , Brian, knows all the big words and can usually explain it to me), but I get most of it. If you are interested in this subject, check out his website -

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

God is Good!

The test results for my grandma are back and there is NO CANCER!!! They were able to identify the problem and should be able to correct it with medication or a minor procedure. God is so good to us.

Brian met with the search committee of a local church last night and feels that it went really well. They want to call a pastor by Thanksgiving, so if nothing else, we will know something soon. This is the church where Brian believes God wants us to be. We just want to make sure that we are in God's will during all of this. I personally think it would be just like God to bless the socks off of us by allowing us to remain local. Last spring, I was praying and asking God to go before us regarding our future church. I was hoping to stay local, but preparing myself for the worst. As I was praying, God told me that I was limiting Him. He basically told me that if all I asked for was a church where we could scrape by, He would provide it. But, if I asked Him for what I truly desired, just hang on and see what He will do! So, I am hanging on and figure that God is big enough to provide for us in ways that I can't even imagine.

I was driving home from PE this morning and a song from several years ago (and many trips to Falls Creek) kept running through my head. Unfortunately, I could only remember one phrase - "God is good, all the time, He put a song of praise in this heart of mine". God has been good to us, even in our grief. He is giving us our hope for the future. He has brought a baby safely into our extended family. He is providing for our financial needs. He continues to comfort us. He is so good.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Home Sweet Home/Prayer Requests

We're home! I am so glad to be back. We have taken a family trip to Branson for the last three years. This year's trip was harder than any of us expected. We are coming off of three deaths and Patrick is on a business trip to Boston so there were two people missing this year. My grandma had a CAT scan yesterday where they are looking for liver cancer so my mom was on edge. However, we couldn't have asked for the weather to be prettier or more comfortable. The kids seemed to have a great time. And, last but definitely not least, we are safe.

Prayer Needs:
I am starting my yearly bout with depression early this year. It doesn't usually hit me until sometime in November, but I've been fighting it for the last few weeks already. I'm sure it's due to the lack of a church to serve in and to the loss of Jacob. I miss him terribly. I try not to dwell on it, but memories will pop up and it's all I can do not to cry out loud. I was looking through my pictures for backgrounds and came across pictures I forgot I had taken. One day when Jacob was at my house, he got "stuck" in my bed. The look on his face was priceless. I try to remember the happy things, but right now all of my memories have a bitter-sweet taste.

It is possible that my grandma has liver cancer. My mother lost her father on the same day that we lost Jacob. It would be really hard if we lost Grandma this year, too. I know that God will not send us anymore than we can stand and I'm truly glad that we can lean on Him. I keep holding to the promises He gives and asking Him to show me their fruition.

Brian was contacted by a local church and will be going to talk to them on Tuesday. So that is a bit of encouraging news. I really need something tangible to look forward to right now.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Vacation to the Mountaintop

Well, I have been running around the house trying to remember everything that we might possibly need to take to the mountaintop this week. We are participating in a family vacation to Branson, MO. I love to take road trips and see new things. I have childhood memories of taking big trips to places like St. Louis and Yellowstone National Park. On the Yellowstone trip, my grandma went with us and we giggled so much that Mom got on to both of us! I love vacations, my husband does not. It drives me nuts! However, he is much better about them than the rest of his family. He is content to get there when we get there and change plans as needed. He just doesn't want to make any decisions. For me, not having to make all the decisions that mommies have to make IS a vacation. Well, we will have lots of fun anyway! I'm off to a quick trip to the mountain top - don't miss me too much ;).

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Mountaintops vs. Valleys

I was praying in the shower this morning (it's about the only alone time I get) and was asking God to take me to a few mountain tops and get me out of this valley for awhile. As I was praying, I mentioned that I wasn't complaining. Then I realized that I was. God began to remind me that in the valleys, there is lush growth and green while on the mountain tops, nothing really grows. In the valley, you can take shelter. On a mountain top, you are buffeted by the elements. In the valleys, there are crowds of people. On a mountain top there is loneliness. In a valley, you can walk together. On a mountain top, it's usually single file. It is easy to breathe in a valley. On a mountain top, the air is thin. In a valley, it is easy to get there. Traveling to a mountain top is hard work.

So what did I learn? I'm in the valley so that I can grow. I'm in the valley so that I can be sheltered. I'm in the valley so that I won't be alone. I'm in the valley so that I can travel through life with others. I'm in the valley so I can breathe. I'm in the valley so I can arrive. Seen this way, how can I ask God to move me to a mountain top? I must be insane. I think I'll be content to stay in this valley awhile longer.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Prayer Need

Okay, when it rains it pours. One month ago, on the same day, my nephew and my mom's dad died. On Saturday, my great-uncle (my mom's uncle) died unexpectedly. Today, my grandmother (my mom's mom) went to the doctor and the doctor suspects that she might have liver cancer. Don't know when the cat-scan is scheduled, but would like to ask anyone who reads this to pray for my family as we travel this valley. (I keep telling God that I'd sure like to visit a mountain top right about now - and I don't mean going to Branson, MO.) Also, although we have been contacted by a few churches, we do not have a place to serve yet. So that is another concern.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Mean Old Men are . . . MEAN!

I swear, I hate my job sometimes. What has happened to politeness? I had an old man, the father in one of my cases, send me a hateful email. Just because I had not been able to supply an email to him because I was waiting on info from a reader. He actually threatened me saying, " I will not hesitate to take it to a 'higher' authority." Well, bite me! It was his own supervisor's fault that the case took so long to finish!

I am seriously going to need to watch my mouth and attitude Monday night when I meet with this family. I sent back a polite email explaining the situation and apologizing (didn't really mean it, though). Brian thought that my response was appropriate, so hopefully I won't antagonize him further. It wouldn't have taken him any more effort to be polite than to be ugly. Arghh!! I hate it when people are mean for no real reason. I was tempted to inform him that I do not work on the weekends, just like he doesn't. Oh well, like I keep telling my children, we are not responsible for the actions of others, but for our own.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Can't Wait 'til Tomorrow

Okay, I know this is silly, but as my Arbonne lady can confirm, I love make-up! My most recent order is coming tomorrow and I am so excited! I know, pretty sad, but I need something to look forward to and right now this is it.

I'm also a bit more positive about my job today. I am waiting for some references to finish up four very late cases, but I feel that I am back on top of my case load. I hate having things hanging over me and it is such a relief to me to be this close to finishing all but two cases. (The other two cases are on time so far.)

I am looking forward to a family vacation in a few weeks. I love the 80 degree weather we are having. So, my outlook is brighter today.

Monday, September 15, 2008


I am so frustrated with my job. I want to quit. Actually, I've wanted to quit since June. No, I take that back, I haven't wanted to work since I got married. So, technically, I've wanted to quit ever since I took the job ;). I pretty much enjoyed it until my supervisor quit and the powers that be chose not to rehire for her position. Now, I understand that there are adjustments to be made when a business changes procedures. But, I expect the changes to be thought through and communicated in a timely way. There is some consolation in the fact that others feel the same way, but I like to know what is expected ahead of time in order to deliver quality work. It seems that everytime I get settled into the new way of doing things, there is another new way. So, right now I'm very frustrated.

I really want a church to call Brian soon so that I can get back to my normal lifestyle. Or at least some semblance of normalcy.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

He Knows MY Name!

There is a song that has been running through my head for the last two days. It says, "(verse 1) I have a Maker, He formed my heart. Before even time began, my life was in His hands. (Chorus) He knows my name, He knows my every thought. He sees each tear that falls and He hears me when I call. (verse 2) I have a Father, He calls me His own. He'll never leave me no matter where I go." How incredible is that?!

I am insignificant in the grand scheme of this world. I am unimportant to those who pass by. There is only a small number of people who actually know my name, but that is not important. God knows my name and it is written in His book of life! I may be insignificant and small to those of this world, but I am worth the life of God's Son in the next world. I am important to Him, so important that He listens for me every moment of every day. HE KNOWS MY NAME!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Being Encouraged

I don't know about you, but it seems that I find encouragement when I least expect it (but most need it). I was all set to feel sorry for myself today due to a combination of sleep deprivation and sadness. I get to PE with my girls and sit down for a quiet chat, all the while telling myself to be happy and enjoy the moment. After a bit, I had the opportunity to share a little about our current ministry situation and our desire to serve God by pastoring a church. Later, as I'm preparing to leave, I had the chance to speak to another mom who has been through a different type of trial after her husband's stroke. As I was talking with her, I was reminded that no matter what the circumstance, we can be assured that God is with us and has a plan for us.

I was about to walk out the door and another mom stopped to talk with me. At first, I started to feel sorry for myself again thinking, "Here is another person who wants to know how my sister and her family is doing, without a thought to the fact that I am grieving, too." (I have been reminding myself that no one does this to intentionally hurt me, they are just concerned for Tracy and that is where their focus is. I'm usually alright with this and let it roll off.) Then, as the conversation continued, she began asking about how things are for my husband. She let me know that she was consistently praying that God would lead us to our new church. Just as I get all ready to feel sorry for myself, someone has the nerve to encourage me! I'm so thankful when this happens. It's all part of the process of God keeping me from sinning in my grief. While I am finding it hard to sleep right now and nighttime is when I remember the sweetness of our Jacob and miss him, I can find comfort in the small things that God is doing to show me He is there.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Our Sadness

Two weeks ago, my newly adopted, two-year-old nephew, Jacob, died suddenly on the morning of his adoption celebration. Needless to say, I was stunned. I have always called Jacob "my baby". I had a special relationship with him from the time he was placed with my sister by DHS. It would make my mom mad sometimes, because he wanted me and not her. I was the recipient of many wet, sloppy kisses. (He drooled more than any other baby I've ever known.) Jacob called me "Shuggy" just like all of the other nieces and nephews. Of course, his version sounded more like, "Shuuuuuuuuugggyy". I never did figure out where he got his drawl. Jacob had the best giggle of any baby and I loved him very much.

I woke up that day anticipating a family party and a fun day. About ten minutes later, my mom called and my world fell apart. We spent three or four hours at Southwest, crying and waiting for a chance to hold Jacob one last time. Unfortunately, we were never allowed that small bit of comfort. Pediatric deaths are treated as homocides, therefore, the room where Jacob was became a crime scene. I can't imagine what we could have done to him, he was already gone. They would not even allow us to look in at him. I think that was the worst part for me and for Tracy. They kept telling us that the ME should soon release him and we could see him. Eventually, we were told that it wasn't going to happen. At that point, Brian took Patrick back to their house to give a statement to the police detective and I went with Tracy's to our friends' house to wait and check on the kids. Once everything was done, Brian and I went home to tell the girls what had happened and to try and have a little normalcy.

At about six in the evening, I received a phone call from my nephew, Justin, (he is the one who found Jacob). He wanted to know if he could spend the night. He didn't know it, but I would have stood on my head and sung for him if he had asked. So, we loaded up and went to my sister's. We stayed for a while and visited with other family members who were there. We ended up with Justin and Bryce that night. Oh my goodness, was that hard! I am so glad that we were able to be there for them and help them in their grief. The next day was Kadie's birthday. We went to church and met with the family at Chili's afterward. The rest of the day was spent at Tracy's. As a mommy, my heart was broken in two different directions: I wanted my baby back and I wanted my baby girl to have a happy birthday.

That night, I finally had a chance to be alone and grieve. As I cried, all I could think was that while God knew the exact moment that Jacob would go to heaven, it took me by surprise. I was so looking forward to seeing the man he would become and welcoming his future wife into our family. I wanted to touch him just one more time and say goodbye. I also wanted to make sure that even in my grief, I did not sin. God is so good. Even in my grief, He is with me. Not only comforting me, but also keeping me from sin. I do not and have not blamed Him. I have been able to accept that this was His will. I am comforted by the fact that Jacob's death was instant and he was not afraid and did not suffer.
The night before his death, I had the privilege of taking him and his siblings home and getting him ready for bed. I got to change him, play with him and get a big hug and kiss before telling him I loved him and putting him in bed. It is such a special memory to me.

The funeral was on Tuesday morning. The pastor, Doug, did a fabulous job. The people who came were welcome and unexpected. The judge who had judiciated over Jacob's case closed his court room and attended with his staff. Several DHS case workers attended, not to mention the friends and family who were there. This was such a comfort to us all.

I will say that I have been lonely in my grief. Brian was not as attached to Jacob as I was. I usually spend time with my sister and her children at least twice a week. I think that even though it's only been two weeks, he is tired of not being able to "fix" me. He hasn't said it, but I think he's tired of me telling him that I am sad. I don't blame him. It's his job to take care of me and fix the things that bother me. It frustrates him that he can't fix this for me. I am comforted by the fact that God is still revealing Himself to me and is with me all the time.

Who am I?

My name is Ginna. I was born and raised in Oklahoma City, OK. My parents, George and Helen, have been married for more than forty years. I have one sister, Tracy (my older sister), who is married to Patrick. I have one bio-niece, three bio-nephews, one adopted nephew, one foster nephew (soon to be adopted) and one foster niece (soon to be adopted).

I began dating my husband, Brian, at the beginning of my sophomore year in college. He was a senior at Oklahoma Baptist University. We were married in March 1995, nineteen months after our first date (August 13 - a Friday!). Four years later, we had our first child, Kadie. Twenty months after that, we had our second daughter, Paige. I finished my Bachelor's degree in Family and Childhood Development in 2002 (took me ten years - but I got it!) when my youngest was twenty months old. I was then able to throw myself into being a full-time mommy and wife. Two and a half years ago, my husband left his position as associate pastor and went to work for my dad, building houses. He was working on his seminary degree and found that the stress of ministry, family and school were detrimental to his health and happiness. (Not to mention my sanity!) At that time, I also started to do homestudies that are used by DHS to approve families to adopt or foster children.

For the last five years I have homeschooled my children, Kadie (age 9) and Paige (age 7), with the support and help of my wonderful husband, Brian. As a couple, we have been involved in ministry for the last fifteen years. My husband as a youth minister and associate minister and me as an extremely active minister's wife. For the last two and one-half years, we have not served on the staff of a church while Brian finished his Master's degree.

We have recently come to a new curve in the road God has given us to travel - Where will He want us to serve now that we are equipped? Brian completed his seminary degree in May 2008. We have been contacted by a few churches, but are still in the beginning stages of finding the church that is for us. For me personally, this is very frustrating because I have no outlet for my ideas and energy! And I can't plan!! I am excited about what God is doing but it is hard to be patient.