Do I have faith? Yes, I have faith. The last two and one-half years have been enough to prove that to me. When we left the church we had served in for almost nine years, the circumstances proved to me that God really is in control of me and my life. I learned that my choices are important and that listening to advice from others is OK, but listening to direction from God is the best. The financial struggles since then have taught me to trust Him even more. In March we began to seriously pursue a pastoral position for Brian. In April, I was praying and telling God that if He wanted us to move away, live in a little house, have a small income, etc. that I would be okay with it. God's response was to tell me that if that was all I asked for, that was all I would get. In my effort to be willing, I was expecting the least and putting God in a box. I was telling Him that I didn't trust Him to give me good gifts. There is a verse, "Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh the joys of those who trust in Him!" Psalm 34:8. I love this verse. I first experienced it when we found our second house. It was almost twice as big and well within the budget we had set for ourselves. It was far beyond what I had expected or even allowed myself to dream. I took His response in April to mean that I needed to trust Him to exceed my expectations and to give Him the freedom to bless me.
I was given another trial of my faith in August when my nephew died. I was faced with the choice to either absolutely believe everything in God's Word or I could believe nothing. (Including the verses that speak of God knowing every day of a life even before birth.) Through the grace of God, I made the decision to believe Him. I am enjoying a Bible study through my church titled "Becoming a Woman of Faith". There is a woman in our group who suffered the suicide of her barely adult son two years ago. She is still having trouble understanding why God has allowed this to happen when she prayed and prayed that He help her son. I had the opportunity to use what God has shown me in my grief to hopefully help her a little with hers.
I don't know all of the reasons God has for the trials and tests we face, but I know that without them, my faith would never be strengthened. I am not going to say that I am adjusted to life without Jacob. However, I am certain that because God has been growing my faith, I can be comforted by Him. I can trust Him to be in absolute, loving control.
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