Saturday, October 31, 2009

It's Been Awhile

There are several things I could blog about. Most recently is that we have a contract on our OKC house and will close by 11/13! What a relief that will be. School is going well with the girls. I have taken on the after school program at church and that seems to be going well. There are several adults and youth who are faithful each week to help. We're even almost completely unpacked (only three months in)! I still have moments of anxiety. It really bothers me because this has never been an issue for me. I keep reminding myself that God is the ultimate fear-flicker and it usually passes. As each week passes, it gets better and I have fewer moments of fear.

I have returned to working. It has been good for me. Initially, I took five cases because the house was unsold, but after the 13th, that will no longer be an issue. The negative is the amount of driving I'm having to do. My closest case is a little over an hour away. There is a positive to the distance. I'm getting a little time alone that way. I am one of those people who must have time alone. If I don't, I never seem to be able to have time to think.

My next post will address being thankful. I love fall!

Friday, October 2, 2009

My Fear Flicker

God is my fear flicker! I never had an issue with fear before 2006. I mean, I would have an occasional worry...but never real fear. In 2006, our lives were changed from secure and knowing the future to insecure and unsure. It was a tremendous time of growth for me. We eventually settled into a routine. We had an income. We were enjoying a new level of closeness with our family and things seemed to be moving forward. In March 2008, we learned that Brian's income would end in May. New fears...when will God provide a pastorate for Brian? How will we pay our bills? In August, new fears arose after the death of my nephew. They were all irrational. I placed my trust in God and tried to focus on Him.

Well, I felt that my fears were under control and I was done with them. And then, God goes and answers a few of our prayers. Suddenly, I'm beset by fears again! As is normal, the fears were irrational. Nevertheless, they are there and I have to deal with them. I lost 15 pounds in two weeks. (All of my fears seem to settle in my stomach.) I tried to handle my fears on my own and ended up having panic attacks. I was about to ask my doctor for anxiety medicine when I finally came to my senses and talked with God about it. He became my ultimate "fear flicker"!

I was praying one night and had a sudden vision (rather cartoonish) of myself with all these fears hanging onto me - like oversized bugs. There was this huge hand that started flicking them off of me. I had such a sense of relief. I swear I felt my stomach unclench. I knew that the hand belonged to God and He was bigger than my fears. He also reminded me of 1 John 4:18, "Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear." I have had to remind myself of this over the last week or so, but I am no longer controlled by my fears. When I begin to be fearful, I just remember my verse and think of my "Fear Flicker".