Not What We Wanted to Hear

The medical examiner has ruled that Jacob's death was caused by asphyxiation. The police detective determined it was accidental and apparently, she was very kind when she called to share this info with my sister. This is not exactly what we were wanting to hear. We wanted to be told that Jacob had a heart condition that we couldn't have known about. I have to keep telling myself that if God wanted it different, it would have been. I know that I have no medical training, (other than motherhood) but I had been told several years ago in college that children are so resilient, that if there is nothing else wrong, they can be revived. Although Jacob received CPR almost immediately, he never revived. So, for my sanity, I will believe that God took him before the accident in order to spare Jacob.

I wish baths helped me like they do my sister. I hope she is able to get all wrinkly and pruny tonight. I will have to struggle through by losing myself in a book. If you read this, please keep my family in your prayers as Satan will attack us with guilt and try to convince us that we could have changed what God had already ordained.