I woke up that day anticipating a family party and a fun day. About ten minutes later, my mom called and my world fell apart. We spent three or four hours at Southwest, crying and waiting for a chance to hold Jacob one last time. Unfortunately, we were never allowed that small bit of comfort. Pediatric deaths are treated as homocides, therefore, the room where Jacob was became a crime scene. I can't imagine what we could have done to him, he was already gone. They would not even allow us to look in at him. I think that was the worst part for me and for Tracy. They kept telling us that the ME should soon release him and we could see him. Eventually, we were told that it wasn't going to happen. At that point, Brian took Patrick back to their house to give a statement to the police detective and I went with Tracy's to our friends' house to wait and check on the kids. Once everything was done, Brian and I went home to tell the girls what had happened and to try and have a little normalcy.
At about six in the evening, I received a phone call from my nephew, Justin, (he is the one who found Jacob). He wanted to know if he could spend the night. He didn't know it, but I would have stood on my head and sung for him if he had asked. So, we loaded up and went to my sister's. We stayed for a while and visited with other family members who were there. We ended up with Justin and Bryce that night. Oh my goodness, was that hard! I am so glad that we were able to be there for them and help them in their grief. The next day was Kadie's birthday. We went to church and met with the family at Chili's afterward. The rest of the day was spent at Tracy's. As a mommy, my heart was broken in two different directions: I wanted my baby back and I wanted my baby girl to have a happy birthday.
That night, I finally had a chance to be alone and grieve. As I cried, all I could think was that while God knew the exact moment that Jacob would go to heaven, it took me by surprise. I was so looking forward to seeing the man he would become and welcoming his future wife into our family. I wanted to touch him just one more time and say goodbye. I also wanted to make sure that even in my grief, I did not sin. God is so good. Even in my grief, He is with me. Not only comforting me, but also keeping me from sin. I do not and have not blamed Him. I have been able to accept that this was His will. I am comforted by the fact that Jacob's death was instant and he was not afraid and did not suffer.
The night before his death, I had the privilege of taking him and his siblings home and getting him ready for bed. I got to change him, play with him and get a big hug and kiss before telling him I loved him and putting him in bed. It is such a special memory to me.
The funeral was on Tuesday morning. The pastor, Doug, did a fabulous job. The people who came were welcome and unexpected. The judge who had judiciated over Jacob's case closed his court room and attended with his staff. Several DHS case workers attended, not to mention the friends and family who were there. This was such a comfort to us all.
I will say that I have been lonely in my grief. Brian was not as attached to Jacob as I was. I usually spend time with my sister and her children at least twice a week. I think that even though it's only been two weeks, he is tired of not being able to "fix" me. He hasn't said it, but I think he's tired of me telling him that I am sad. I don't blame him. It's his job to take care of me and fix the things that bother me. It frustrates him that he can't fix this for me. I am comforted by the fact that God is still revealing Himself to me and is with me all the time.
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